Humor

On Monday night, after "quite a few vodkas", the 42-year-old bricklayer from Louth Bay, near Port Lincoln, thought it would be a good idea to jump in the ocean and wrestle with a 1.3m bronze whaler shark that had been spotted "hanging around".

He caught the shark with his bare hands, dragging it onto the Louth Bay jetty to the cheers of other fishermen. The only damage was to his jean, which received a few nips.

But rather than keep hold of his "trophy shark" as a memento, Mr Kerkhof skinned and gutted it, and has been eating it all week.

"I've got 10 or a dozen real good feeds from it, and I've still got a fair bit of him in the freezer to last me a while," he said.

Mr Kerkhof admits his actions were not very clever and "wouldn't recommend anyone try it".

"It's amazing what vodka does to you, but when I woke up the next morning I thought it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do," he said.

Posted 10/4/06 (By Travis)

Beer Cannon!!!!

YouTube

Fire in the hole! Nothin' beats the beast.. :)

Posted 12/9/05

I don't normally post email forwards on this site, but thought that this was funny enough to do so. And besides, we are approaching the holidays. :)

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
    There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).
    At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical), this works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
    Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
    This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
    The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
    600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
    The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
    Therefore, even if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
    Merry Christmas.

Posted 12/9/05

While I'm at it, this is another funny one:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity: applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.

------------------------------ ------------------------------

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Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support

Bear downs 36 beers, passes out at campground; Rainier, not Busch, the beverage of choice for thirsty black bear

8/19/2004 AP. Does this bear know something about Busch we don't: Fish and Wildlife enforcement Sgt. Bill Heinck said the bear did try one can of Busch, but ignored the rest. The beast then consumed about 36 cans of Rainier.

Brandy theft suspect arrested with straw

4/10/05 Buffalo News Could possibly fall under the category of alcohol abuse. Thomas L. Hunter, 55, who does not have a permanent address, stole a case of brandy while a worker for Eber Brothers Wine and Liquor Distributors was making a delivery Friday afternoon to Eastside Liquor, 1819 Genesee St., according to Buffalo police. Hunter ran down Genesee with the brandy, which has a value of $270, but tripped and fell, smashing the case and the bottles on the ground, Officer Richard C. Lopez said. Soon, Hunter reappeared with a straw, got on his knees and began sucking up whatever brandy he could, Lopez said. Hunter tried to push Lopez and run away before he was arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

Man peed way out of avalanche

Anova Next time someone tells you not to bring 60 beers for a holiday hit 'em with this: A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through. He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported. He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

The Ultimate beer Bong

2/20/04 theultimatebeerbong.com The ultimate beer bong. Don't expect lawmakers to let this remain legal if it becomes widespread. :) Good pics.

Heart Surgeon makes Tee time, misses Clinton
9/6/2004 CNN - Humorous story with an hidden message about equality in America.

www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/ - Hilarious, writes weekly columns.

www.scrappleface.com - Laughing at Liberals. Short but hilarious fake news stories.

www.theonion.com - Funny fake news stories. Often bashes Conservatives.

http://www.milkandcookies.com/keywords/terrytate/ - 'Terrible" Terry Tate, Officer Linebacker. Watch the videos.

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html Military humor. 213 things Skippy isn't allowed to do.

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